Location: Javn's quarters
Timeline: following "wrongdoings"
Lyras followed Javn back to her quarters, trailing a few paces behind her. The entire walk down, he didn't say a word, silently stewing in his own misery. He couldn't understand why this wasn't being taken seriously, why they didn't see the gravity of the situation. He wrung his hands, keeping his eyes down, watching her feet before him, allowing them to guide his path. What was there to say now? He bit his lower lip, almost to the point of bleeding, sighing softly to himself.
During the walk to her quarters Javn kept clenching and unclenching her fists, still trying to calm her anger and embarrassment. Upon arrival back to her quarters she entered knowing Lyras was following close behind. Once inside she turned on her heel to face him, crossing her arms over her chest. Through the bond Javn could sense Lyras' weariness to speak on this, and his confusion. She silently hoped he could pick up every ounce of her anger.
"Was that truly called for?" Her voice was low but nothing like her normal tone.
Not having expected her to abruptly stop and about face, he nearly crashed into her, skidding to a halt mere millimeters from her. He was indeed picking up on her anger, but it only confused him more. Embarrassment wasn't an emotion he was very familiar with. "Yes." His voice was a bare whisper and he didn't look at her. "I did what I felt was right."
"What about how I feel?" Internally she wanted nothing more then to release the anger she was holding onto, but she refused to back down. "Granted yes, you should always do what you think is right, but Lyras... that was...embarrassing."
"How?" This time he did look up. "I had not expected him to call you in. I had only intended to report it." He didn't see how it had been embarrassing. The conversation had been behind closed doors, hadn't it?"
"Don't you think we should have discussed it again prior? Came to an understanding? What if they separated us? What if they saw it as a danger to be around one another? Then what?" Her heartbeat started to pick up, almost racing by the time she finished speaking.
"I did tell you I was going to," Lyras reminded her, her shifting moods just about making him feel dizzy. "What kind of understanding was there to be reached then? You never consented to this, that makes it a crime even if it was accidental. I do not know how to reverse this."
"I may not have consented, but I've accepted it. Come to terms with it. I'm in no way ashamed of it, or looking for a way out of it." She paused, his comment on reversing it caused her to feel a tinge of insecurity, that perhaps its not what he wants anymore. "Are you?"
Slowly, Lyras shook his head. "I am not, but I thought you might. We were not ready for this, and I do not know if I have even done it right. What if this damages you? Us?" He was clearly concerned. "I want you in my life, have I not made that clear?"
"So then rather then involve security should we not have tried to seek help and information from the Vulcan community?" She sighed, knowing deep down this was not Lyras' fault and his actions were honorable. Part of her questioned why she was feeling her emotions so strongly, allowing them to overwhelm her. "I'm a private person Lyras, bringing our relationship to the captains attention and now notifying security causes me to feel...on display...its too much attention, too many eyes."
"This has nothing to do with our relationship." Lyras was equally frustrated now. "What I did...it is considered a crime. I had to report it, even if we seek help now. It was the right thing to do." He paused, looking away again. "Vulcans generally are extremely private. We do not talk to aliens about such things that affect our biology, which is why so little is known about it. Would you rather then, that we keep our being together behind closed doors? Never appear in public together? As partners?"
Javn released a frustrated grunt and flung her hands up in the air. She took a few steps and plopped down onto the couch.
"No. That's not what I want." She said quietly, keeping her eyes on the carpet. Did she even have a right to be upset? Were his actions justified if not against her wishes? "I just wish things were different, that you didn't regret...the bond. However it came to be. It may be what we both want, but you DO regret that it happened. And now someone knows that, that you 'committed a crime' against me."
For a moment, Lyras was at a loss for words as he paced the length of the couch. Back and forth... "I do not regret it happened, it probably would have eventually. But I do regret it happened as it did..we were not ready, you had not agreed to it. That is somewhat essential to me. And someone knowing...he has not made any record of it, and he will not discuss it with others, he is not allowed to as bound by the code of his profession."
Javn sat in silence, staring intently at the floor. The only sound in the room seemed to be their breathing, she focused on it while her temper began to lessen. In her mind she compared the security officers professionalism to that of any member of the medical team. Doctor patient confidentiality.
"Maybe I'm not upset you reported it, maybe I'm upset because I was caught off guard. I should have believed you when you told me you wished to report it, "she sighed, "I'm sorry I got so angry, and that I... raised my voice."
"You have every right to be angry." Lyras stopped mid-pace and turned to face her. "I would never lie to you about such things, however. You should have sensed I was serious, just as I sense your anger." And it was giving him a headache too.
"I'm still getting used to deciphering what are my feelings and what are yours...." Her eyes still had yet to meet his.
"As am I," he admitted, "though the more prominent ones must be yours as mine are...more controlled." There was a truth to that. While expressing some emotions, he was still reasonably controlled when he needed to be.
Again those violet eyes cut quickly towards him, the purple hue of her iris seeming colder than normal. Javn slowly sat taller, straightening her spine and laying both hands palm down on her thighs. She filled her lungs with a deep breath and held it, her anger slowly starting to simmer once more. Any talk of her lack of control was starting to become a trigger. Knowing he had an insight to her inner emotions didn't help, so she sat stone faced, eyes locked on him, not trusting herself to speak.
There it was again, that simmering anger, reigned in but waiting to erupt. "You should not reign that in," he suggested, feeling he did deserve her anger. Feeling like she was somehow trying to spare him. "It is unnatural for a Human to try and control their emotions, I would never ask that of you. Equally, I would expect you to respect my control, insofar I do have it. We are who we are."
Javn had always been a emotional person, she felt things stronger then most, but kept it bottled inside. Very rarely did she share her feelings, and now there was someone whom she couldn't hide from. The realization had her biting her bottom lip, hard.
Through gritted teeth she spoke, "You make it sound as if I'm some unpredictable adolescence teen unable to master her emotions. Is that how you see me? Erratic? An emotionally unstable human ?" Her voice began to rise in volume, the words growing more harsh as she spoke them.
"Human emotions are unpredictable," Lyras answered, still not looking at her. "Between you and me however, I would suspect you are considered more adult than I. One of the Romulans on board practically called me a child."
Her fingers fisted the fabric of her uniform pants. A memory flashed of green skin and unkind eyes in her mind. As fast as it appeared she shoved it deep down but the feeling of being inferior stuck, agitating the burning anger. A familiar feeling for her.
"If that's how you feel about human emotions, why would you allow yourself to fall in love with one? It doesn't seem... logical." There was a bite to her words.
The bite wasn't lost on him, and he turned away, holding his breath for a moment. "I am not a logical being, I never had full control despite my efforts to learn. As a child, I was almost an outcast, the emotional one. And I know why now.... Falling in love is not something I allowed to happen. It happened, allowing had nothing to do with it, it was not something I could or even wished to control. As I said, I would never ask you to control your emotions."
"Look at me Lyras."
Lyras turned back, slowly, and raised his eyes to look at her. He could see the anger in her eyes, he could feel it as if it were his own. Anger wasn't an emotion he really had experienced before, and it baffled him.
Looking at him, standing across the room -which to her felt like a mile away- her temper lessened by a fraction. She didn't want to be angry, she was so blinded by that anger she was forgetting how the conversation had even started.
Oddly to her the want for physical contact started to over come her anger. She wanted him closer, to reassure her everything was going to be fine, she wanted him to kiss away her insecurities and any doubt that he would take away the bond if he could.
Her fingers released the fabric they gripped and she stood, never looking away from his cerulean eyes. Her hand reached out for him, a silent plea for him to close the gap that separated them.
It was his turn to feel insecure now, and for a moment he just stared at the offered hand. Only a fraction, before he reached and touched the first two fingers of her hand with his own. The touch was almost electrifying and he gasped as their fingers met. Still, he said nothing, fearing that anything he would say, would only anger her further.
Shock colored her face at the simple yet, intimate touch of just their fingers. It was unexpected but warmed her, settled her core. The air between them almost stilled in the moment.
Looking at there hands she spoke. "Its never felt like that before." She brought her eyes up to his, somehow she knew the impact it had on him as well as her. She didn't know how she knew, the only explanation she could muster was the bond.
"A Vulcan's hands are sensitive," Lyras whispered, staring at their touching fingers. He traced the palm of her hand, crossing over to the bridge and back down to her fingers. His breath was slow and deliberate. "It must have gone right..." He looked up, reaching to trace her blushed cheek with the back of two fingers of his other hand. "You are blushing again...why?"
Her own hand reached up to hold his against her cheek as she released a delicate sigh. How could the person who enraged her so, be the same one to settle the roaring waves of her emotions?
"I wasn't aware I was blushing." Her head tilted leaning into his touch. Javn could count on one hand the amount of times she felt at home, felt safe. Lyras was unmistakably her home. Where he was is where she belonged. If there was one thing she was absolutely sure of, it was that.
"It is a very endearing feature," Lyras murmured, drawing her closer to him, bringing up his other hand to run it though her long hair, resting it at the back of her neck. He too felt at home, and safe. "So what do we do now? Where do we go from here?"
Her eyes fluttered shut as his hands ran through her hair. The sensation sent her insides reeling that she almost missed the questions he asked. She didn't have the answers, she wasn't sure anyone would. Opening her eyes to find him in such close proximity was also a distraction. Her gaze settled on his lips.
"I wonder if there are other Vulcans aboard who might be able to give us some insight on this bond. Perhaps tell us what to expect..." She didn't relish in the idea of talking about their relationship with anyone but they both had questions that needed answers.
"I do not know," Lyras confessed, equally reluctant to talk about it. "Perhaps, we should just explore this on our own, in our own time. And invest in it?" He watched her reaction, smiling ever so slightly.
"I think I like that idea." Her fingers found their way between his, lacing them together. She slowly shifted her head to bring his hand to her lips, gently pressing a kiss to the front of his hand.
"Then we will do that," he promised, "and where will we live?" Their quarters were probably equal in size, and it didn't really matter to him as both were close to sickbay.
Javn's eyes widened at the unexpected question. A rush of excitement and nervousness swept over her as she debated her answer. "Stay with me here." She answered as she smiled up at him.
"Okay." He shifted his hand to tilt her face up to him. "No need to be nervous," he reminded her, realizing that this was all going way faster than anticipated. "Since.." He paused, hesitating. "Since we bonded.... do you want a Human ceremony too? Sometime?"
The air rushed out of her lungs, she fumbled to find her voice. "Like a... like a wedding?!"
Javn had never considered marriage, it seemed so, far away, an intangible dream. The bond they now shared was less frightening to her then the thought of a wedding. What would her foster mother say? She pictured the woman's face lighting up with joy at the news. Robin would fully support her, she always had.
"Sometime," he affirmed, "a Vulcan bonding is recognized as a legal marriage within the Federation. This is why I felt as I did... because according to Vulcan law we are considered married." And from the way he felt, their bond was pretty strong.
"Can I think about it? The ceremony I mean." The though of organizing a wedding seemed intimidating, as well as stressful. But she could picture it, a small ceremony, here on the Orion, or even on Risa where they had first met. A beach wedding. The thought made her smile brightly with just a light tint of pink added to her cheeks.
"Of course." He smiled at her. "Seems like you already have a few ideas? I must inform you that I know nothing about Human weddings, so you will have to guide me in the process."
A quizzical look took over her expression, "What about the bonding ceremony? Is there any part of it that perhaps we should partake in?"
"I do not know," Lyras answered honestly, "perhaps have the bond verified by a priestess, but where do we find one without returning to Vulcan?"
A thought crossed her mind, a fleeting little hope. Javn chewed the corner of her bottom lip debating expressing the idea. Her hesitation came from a handful of reasons, any of which would be unquestionably enough for the answer to be no.
Knowing Lyras would tell she was holding back she decided the worst he could say was no. So she went for it.
"Perhaps, on our next shore leave, we could visit Vulcan?" She knew enough about Lyras' childhood to know the planet did not harbor a lot of happy memories for him, and the possibility of them rejecting her due to her lack of Vulcan blood was almost to be expected.
Lyras froze, remaining very still for several long seconds. "There is nothing left for me on Vulcan," he finally whispered, "it is not the home I knew. The people I knew are old or gone, the clan I knew is not what it was. I have no family left that I am aware of, I would be an outcast in my own clan."
She instantly regretted the suggestion, feeling his body tense caused her to frown. "I just meant in order for us to have the bond verified, not to stay for any longer than that." Looking up at him she wished she could take it back. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that...but for what it's worth, I don't require a priestess of any sort to tell me what we have is real, genuine." Reaching up she planted a kiss on his cheek, lingering for a moment.
"You have every right to suggest it," Lyras whispered, turning his head a fraction so they were back to being nose to nose. "I know what we have is real, if it were not, this would not have happened. At least I do not believe so." He cupped her face in both her hands. "We will make this work, somehow. We may not always agree, but we are one."
One. Bonded. Forever together. Always together. The optimism in his voice was so reassuring and comforting she forgot everything else. There was just him, and her, as one. After spending so many years not allowing anyone to come close to her it was more then bliss that took over her senses. Loneliness was a feeling she had become accustomed to, but she would never feel that again and she relished in that.
She brushed her nose against his, smiling, "When will you stay with me?"
"Whenever you want," he smiled back, finding the sensation of being literally nose to nose a little odd. "My quarters are sparse as you know, I own very little so it is quickly moved." He paused, giving her an awkward look. "Do we need a wider bed?"
"Yes, we do. I will make the arrangements tomorrow." She had to hold in the laugh his facial expression gave her.
"So tonight will be snug then," Lyras commented dryly.
"It beats snuggling up against a tree." There night lost in the forest on Risa flashed in her mind.
At the memory, Lyras winced. "That was less than comfortable," he admitted, "I would assume that being snug in a single bed is far more comfortable, and far less painful."
"I guess there really only one way to find out." Javn scrunched her nose before giving way to the smile she gave Lyras.
"I guess there is," Lyras smiled back at her, drawing her even closer to him before scooping her up in his arms, and carrying her to the bedroom.
Ensign Lyras, M.D.
Medical Officer, USS Orion
Ensign Javn Darhk
Head Nurse, USS Orion