Location: Javn’s Quarters
Timeline: Following Nightmares on the Other Side
The chime sounded as Javn finished tying her long lack hair into a braid. The nightmare had left her feeling fatigued but done with sleep. Confusion colored her face as she walked toward the entrance to her quarters, pulling the robe laid out on her bed and wrapping it around her.
She hesitated opening the door, it was odd to receive a visitor this late at night. Even on a starship that never slumbered. There was still remnants of sweat on her forehead and nape of her neck that she brushed away with her sleeve as the door opened revealing Lyras. The half Vulcan half Romulan hybrid male that normally consumed her dreams. She was awake now wasn’t she?
“I... hello Lyras.” Her eyes grew brighter. Scanning his attire set her cheeks on fire. It was unusual for Lyras to be out of sorts, and without shoes. She moved to allow him entrance into her quarters.
He moved as if he was a little zoned out, like on auto-pilot. "Who is Dorian?" he asked, somewhat out of the blue. The name weighed heavy on his conscience. From the time he had bolted awake, the name had been on his mind. Was it an old boyfriend? Someone he needed to be wary of? He wasn't sure but he couldn't quench the weird and strange emotion that threatened to well up inside of him.
Javn wasn’t prepared to hear that name. Her body stiffened, almost unresponsive for an entire minute. Why was Lyras asking her about her brother? Where had Lyras learned this information? That was a name she hadn’t spoken in over 17 years.
“Where did you hear that name?” She countered with a sense of defensiveness.
Lyras frowned. "I saw a boy in my dreams...a woman called him that.."" His eyes focused on her. "You were there, and you were scared."
Javn retreated a step. Her brows furrowing in further confusion. She opened her mouth to respond but no sound came out. How was he in her mind? For a moment a wave of intrusion washed over her but it quickly turned to shame as she recalled the events in her nightmare. Memories she pushed down as far as she could, memories she refused to share with anyone. Ever.
“Dorian...”she almost choked on the name but cleared her throat to start again. “Dorian is my twin.”
He could see -and sense- her confusion, and her shame. But why did she feel ashamed? It didn't make sense to him. "You have not mentioned a brother before," he commented carefully, "and the Orion? A stepfather?" Clearly, she was Human, her skin had no green hue to it like his did. Of course he had no right to question her, and he knew this, but how did he dream of people he had never met?
Javn cringed further back. Orion? Why had she never pieced that together? Why were these memories... these nightmares surfacing now? And how did Lyras know...about Dorian. How did he know any of this.
Her voice was timid but accusing, “Are you... in my head?”
Fear broke through the dam she spent years constructing. Brick by brick. A barrier to confine her earliest memories, the shame of being unwanted. Sent away without any explanation. The fear that she would be seen for what she was. Discarded and forgotten about, insignificant. Her emotions started boiling to the top.
Her fear was overwhelming and he closed his eyes for moment to try and center himself. "I do think so," he ventured though the doubt was audible in his voice. To see her shrink back from him was painful, the sense of loneliness that came from her..
He reached out to her. "You are not insignificant," he told her, somewhat forcefully too "nor forgotten. I will not allow that to happen."
“I don’t understand...” She knew when they melded he was able to feel and know what was in her mind. This was different... but somehow the same. Deeper. Like there was nothing she could hide from him. She felt some connection to him. His presence soothing. If only she would allow herself to relish in it. She tried to push it away, back behind the wall.
She felt bare. Exposed. Unable to hide. It wasn’t him she feared, but what he would think of her after seeing her inner most thoughts. Seeing her nightmares. She watched as he continued to extend his hand but fear of the physical contact held her locked in place.
The fear was overwhelming... "Javn..." He pleaded, stopping his approach to rub his temples. "I do not understand either," he murmured, "I do not know how I know this. But I will never think less of you. Never! Please...this fear is giving me a headache.."
A splinter cracked its way across her heart. She didn’t know how but she could see she was causing him pain. Something she swore she would never do. Instinct told her to push him away. To ask him to leave, remove himself from her presence and the pain she was inflicting.
What if he got too close and the pain worsened? Reigning her emotions was like trying to find purchase during a free fall. What if Lyras was the safety net she needed? Her body moved without her command, extending a trembling hand to him. “Lyras...help me make it stop.” She pleaded. She wanted to cut whatever had them linked, to sever the shared emotions.
"I do not know how..." He took her extended hand and carefully pulled her towards him, burying his face against her hair. "I do not understand either. I do not know why I know these things, because you did not show them to me." He lifted her face up towards him, staring deeply into her purple eyes. "Why did you not tell me you have a brother?"
Calm washed over her with his embrace. She bunched his shirt in both hands pulling him closer. “Telling you about him... about Dorian meant telling you about losing him.” She pulled her face from his grasp gently and leaned it against his chest. She refused to cry, not when her fear was finally subsiding.
"Shhhhh," he soothed, holding her close, "what do you mean, losing him? He is still alive, is he not?" A look of concern -unseen to her - crossed his face. "You know you can tell me everything, I will not judge."
The nightmare resurfaced. Replaying in her head. She didn’t shy from it but rather looked for clues. Where had she come from? Why had she been sent away? Her adult mind saw the events differently, felt differently. She could see past the pre-adolescent terror.
She spoke into his chest, “I’ve never searched for him. I’ve blocked every memory prior to meeting my foster parents. ” She stopped her self before she talked her way into another emotional fit.
“Lyras what’s happening? Is this a side effect of the mind meld?” She raised her face to look at him.
"I do not know..." A hint of frustration crossed his features as he considered her words. "I know a meld will have lingering effects, but it should not take this long... it has not been this intense before has it?" Frustration turned to worry. "I have never experienced flashes of your memories from prior melds... Are you experiencing any of mine?"
Javn tried to remember if she had any memories that weren’t her’s, that were foreign. She slowly shook her head no. “No. I haven’t. I just... feel you... in my head. But not like when we meld. This is.... something else.” Her face matched the worry in his.
Lyras nodded, he had the same feeling. Like an echo of a meld, but different. Perhaps she hadn't because his mind was possibly better controlled? "You feel my presence...constantly?" he ventured carefully, "like I feel you, at the back of my mind?" Now that he was here, he felt her more strongly, but as he said it he did realize she seemed to be a constant presence.
“Yes.” Her voice was bold and certain. “Part of me knew you were coming before I opened the door. “ Her brows scrunched realizing how silly she sounded. Was she misreading her wants, hopes as something else?
His face drained of all colour as realization seemed to wash over him. "Oh no...." he murmured, turning away from her. This time it was his turn, to experience shame. "You are going to hate me," he whispered, anguish audible in his voice.
Javn didn’t like the way he turned away. There was something about his sudden shift in mood that made her feel like she was slipping back into the free fall she thought was over. Like she was back on the edge, teetering. “Lyras, I could never hate you. Tell me what your thinking. Do you know what.... this is?” She was failing to produce the right words and hoped he understood her enough to know what it was she spoke of.
"I am not sure," Lyras answered uncertainly, "I fear I may have done something which I did not intend to happen. I did not know it could happen." He remained turned away, hiding his feelings, trying to hide his fear.
“Know what could happen?” She placed a hand on his back closing the space he left between them. She could sense his struggle, his restraint. She wasn’t sure how she knew that he was holding back. As if he was intentionally trying to distance himself from her more then just physically. The realization sent a pang to her heart. Her already cracked heart.
He flinched at her touch, but turned anyway to face her. His expression was one of fear, pale and drawn as he regarded her. "We are one," he whispered, a shaking hand reaching to brush her cheek, "parted from me, and never parted... Never and always touching, and touched..."
She covered his hand with hers leaning her cheek into his palm. Her eyes bored into his, processing his words. Their meaning. Their depth.
“One.” Was the only word she could muster up. Something kept her from saying the word. She wanted him to say it out-loud first. She wanted his confirmation but too scared to ask for it, to demand it.
Misreading her fear, Lyras pulled away. "I bonded us," he admitted, his voice a broken whisper. Would she reject him now? Turn him away? He was terrified, knowing he'd done something he really shouldn't have without her permission. Even if he had never intended it, that didn't make it any less wrong. "You should report this..." he finally managed.
She was reluctant to let him pull away, immediately assuming she had done something wrong. They couldn’t be bonded. They had only briefly ever discussed it. Tabling the subject until they both felt ready for that step. Surely he was mistaken. How could they be bonded unintentionally? Surely there was a process that needed to be completed for a bond. Some ritual they had to perform. It couldn’t be this simple.
“Report it? Is this.... a crime?” Her ignorance in this subject ate at her. Whose business was the bond other then theirs?
"Technically... Yes," he breathed, "you did not consent to this."
Javn crossed her arms over her chest. Did it reflect her negatively if she didn't report it? She didn't feel like like she had been taken advantage of. It was a mistake. For all she knew this was her fault. She was the assertive one, always pushing Lyras. She was the one who lacked control. Not him.
"No. I won't."
A fraction of his anguish seemed to disappear though it remained his most dominant feeling. "You did nothing wrong," he told her, "I do not expect you to have any control, you are Human. I am trained for this, I should have had sufficient control bit I did not. I allowed something to happen that we had not agreed to. While it had been my desire, you did not consent." He paused, looking away again. "If you will not report it, then I need to."
"No." She unintentionally sent a flash of anger down the bond. "And stop saying 'I'm Human' like I'm a defect. It makes me feel like you see me as lesser then you. Like being human makes me the interior race in this relationship, like we aren't equal and I can never amount to your level. This is not your fault and its not mine. There is no reason to involve anyone. I do not feel wronged. I just need time to adjust to it...."
"You are not a defect! I am stating a fact." It came out fiercer than intended. He was breathing harshly now, not sure how to make her understand. "You are not inferior at all, in many aspects you are superior instead." He took a single step and sank down in the couch, burying his head in his hands. "I feel like I wronged you. This should not have happened, not without us both agreeing."
Javn kept her distance for a moment, letting her anger flutter out. Seeing him with such a look of defeat made her heart ache. She unfolded her arms and crossed the space to kneel in from of him. She gently pulled his hands from his face, holding them both within her own.
"I only wish to be seen as equals." She said in a whisper. "I love you Lyras. I do not blame you. Don't give up on me, just give me time to adjust to it. This is not your fault."
"You are an equal, and so much more. That is why I feel as I do." He squeezed her hands in return. "I love you more than anything, I never wanted to do anything without your consent."
"I believe you." She let those words sink in. Being near him was more than comforting and she wondered if this was an effect of the Bond. She had questions but knew that they could wait.
"What do we do now?" Lyras asked uncertainly, "I do not know how to undo this, or even if it can be done."
"Do you want it undone?" She replied without looking up from his hands.
Slowly, he shook his head. "No," he admitted, "I do not. For it gives you what you want most... but it still feels wrong."
"I don't want that if this feels wrong. I refuse to look at this ...bond that way."
"The how it came to be feels wrong, not the bond itself." Lyras looked up, finally meeting her eyes. "I do not understand how it happened, I do not recall venturing too far, or it taking very long. Having you in my mind, is comforting it will just take getting used to. I did not know it happened, yet I knew something had as soon as your nightmare woke me."
Javn flinched recalling the nightmare and knowing he had seen it as well, the dark parts of her past that her mind slipped into. She wanted to apologize to him for what he had witnessed and felt but she also wanted to stray from the subject. It was...unsettling that she couldn’t explain it.
“Will we always share things like that? Our dreams? Will I always feel you even when you aren’t physically present?” She wished there was a book or something she could gather this information from but the Vulcans were so secretive that her quest to learn more about the bond had already resulted in very little.
"At first probably. In time you will learn to keep me out of your thoughts and dreams, and I to keep you out. But you will always be in my mind yes. Always aware of me somehow, and I you. It is what the words mean... parted from me, and never parted. You can be away from me, but I will still be aware of you."
Javn’s violet eyes fell to his lips. Watching them move as he spoke the words that seemed to resonate with her though she was sure she hadn’t heard them prior to this night. Absentminded she lifted her hand from his, bringing her index and middle fingers to brush across his lips, feather light. When she focused on her favorite features of his face her worry vanished. There was only him.
Lyras held still as she touched him, closing his eyes. He seemed to relax just a little, though his body did remain tense. "Perhaps we should try and get back to sleep," he finally murmured, "we do need sleep."
The thought of sleeping made her wary. It felt childish to fear the nightmare returning. She doubted she would be able to rest her mind after discovering the presence of the bond. She had too many questions, for herself and for him. But regardless of how she felt she didn't want to argue, she knew he was right, he after all was the doctor.
Javn stood stepping back to give him room to rise from the couch. Ready to walk Lyras to the door. She almost dismissed the thought as it came to pass, but before she could think twice she heard her voice say, "Will you stay? Or do you need to return to your quarters?" She expected him to decline the request like he had in the past, but perhaps given the change of circumstances this time would be different.
"I have no requirement to return to my own quarters," he answered without pause, tracing her cheek with the back of his fingers, "but tonight, perhaps it is best if I do sleep on the couch. After tonight, we need rest. Perhaps tomorrow..." He let the thought trail, though he offered a small smile.
His response made her laugh, "Lyras I think we've proven that we're both able to refrain from those kinds of activities. If it helps I'll create an impenetrable wall of fluffy pillows to keep us from contact in the bed." She joked, if not for anyone's enjoyment but her own. Smiling up at him was easy even if she was prepared for his answer to be the one she didn't want.
"I was not referring to that," he objected, mildly insulted at her very suggestion. "I would want nothing more than have you close by, but given this recent discovery I do not believe it is wise. Not until we have come to terms with it, and have a doctor check us out just to be safe. I am not skilled at this, and I do not wish to have inadvertedly caused either of us damage.
Leaning up on her toes she pressed her lips to his and held there for a moment. “You deserve a better nights rest than what you’ll have on the couch. I’ll look for you tomorrow.” She brushed off his concerns, not wanting to add to the worry she could already sense.
He circled his arms around her, gently returning the kiss. "Sleep well my love," he whispered, before turning away towards the door. "I will see you tomorrow."
Javn watched him leave, wrapping her own arms around herself. How was it in one evening her whole world could turn upside down, with just one dream.